If I Have Not Love
by Jayta
Summary: AND IT IS ALL FINISHED! ALL JINTER FANS ALERT! CHAPTERS 13 & 14 ARE UP!;oP Jinter Fanfiction. Will John and Deb find true love...not just the kind in fairytales?
1. Default Chapter

If I Have Not Love

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If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom 

_all the mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have _

_a faith that can move mountains, but have not love,_

_ I am nothing. _

***********************************

"John?" Jing Mei called down the hallway corridor.  "Can you take this abdominal pain in Exam 2?"

Carter rolled his eyes.  "Deb!" he exclaimed.  " Deb, Deb, Deb."  He shook his head slowly.

"What?" Jing Mei asked looking up from the chart she was carrying.  She eyed the brown-eyed, brown-haired doctor.  She still didn't quite understand why she answered to that name.

_Well, when John called her that_.  He did it just to aggravate her.

"Deb, I'm done for the night.  Finito!"

"Aw, come on John!  Weaver's killing me tonight.  I'm running around like a chicken with it's head cut off!" she pouted.

He continued to shake his head.

Jing Mei didn't know what to do.  Ever since she came back, well, forced her way back into County, everything was going to hell.  Weaver and she finally had an understanding that they would not allow their differences to get in the way of medical care, although, sometimes she wondered if Keri intended on keeping up her part of the truce.  Like tonight, Weaver had been yelling at the top of her lungs, _again_, and handed her four separate charts.

_"You've got to be kidding me?" Jing Mei exclaimed sarcastically._

_"Hey, if you can't do the time, don't do the crime!" she deadpanned and hobbled away on her crutch._

The thought just made her cringe.  "Come on John, just one measly patient!  Keri's got it in for me tonight.  I'm almost done my shift too.  But at the rate I'm going, I won't be done for another hour or two."

John had always had a soft spot for Jing Mei.  She knew it.  Why else would he be her labor coach?  It wasn't the most glamorous job, and plus he had just gotten off a double shift.

John gave in and nodded his head.  As he took the chart, Jing Mei  sighed in relief.  "John, you're a lifesaver!" she exclaimed and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek.  When she pulled away, from the innocent peck on the cheek, John's wide eyes explained everything.

Jing Mei always had to laugh at John and his ego.  Lately his love life had been the talk of the ER.  He'd just broken up with Susan Lewis, an older doctor whom she'd respected while being a med student.  She never understood his choices in women.  Since she'd come back to County a year and a half ago, Jing Mei had been catching up on all the news of the ER soap opera.

Sometimes she was glad that she was never part of the drama that was the ER's love life.  Not that Jing Mei really ever had one.  

_Why bother?_

That had always been her excuse anyway.  She was a smart sexy woman and had everything ahead of her.  What did she need with love?  It just complicated things.  Always.

"John, get over it.  You may be the Don Juan of nurses and the older doctors in this ER, but it was just a thank you," she chuckled and walked away.

» * »

John watched as Deb walked away towards Curtain 3.  He looked over his chart and assessed the possible problems.  "This should be quick."

It had been a long day.  John was 'trying' to get over Susan Lewis, by the accounts and whispers of the nurses in County.  The thought made him laugh.  He didn't quite know what to make of it.  He had been visibly upset, but in Susan's opinion, not because they broke up.

John didn't know what to make of it.  Susan was right, he wasn't really upset.  It just seemed like something inevitable.  His relationships had the lifespan of a gnat.  Part of him didn't quite understand it himself, his inability to make any of his relationships work.

For all his knowledge of the medical field and how to heal people physically, he didn't quite know how to heal his spirit.  So many things in his life had made him the man he was today:  his parents, his brother's death, Grams, Chase, the stabbing…

John headed to Exam 2.

_Forget the self examination.  I just want to get out of here._

_Please R&R!  I hope you guys like it.  Keep in mind that it is my first Jinter fanfiction.  Be kind!_


	2. 2

If I Have Not Love

Part Two 

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_ If I give all I possess to the poor and_ _surrender my_

_ body to the flames, but have not love I gain nothing.  _

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Jing Mei slumped over onto the couch after a long evening of endless patients.  She'd never thought she'd miss it until she was forced to resign.  A part of her didn't miss the smelly patients, the anger she felt whenever she thought about Weaver, the insatiable hunger of the public demanding to be seen.  Nope, she didn't miss that.

But she had missed the comradary of each doctor leaning over the operating table, yelling short precise commands to the nurses and other assisting doctors.  Jing Mei had missed the happiness she felt as a child, man or woman took another breath of life.  She had missed each of the annoying and nosy employees of County General.

Especially one nosy and annoying employee of County General.

_No, I will not think about that._

Jing Mei knew she never stood a chance, not that she'd thought about it much.  But thoughts on those oh-so-rare occasional days, when hormones got the best of her, she would daydream.

She shook her head and slid off the couch.  _What had gotten into her?_

Jing Mei began peeling off her smelly disinfected clothes that luckily hadn't been puked on or received any blood spurts during surgery.

She walked into her bathroom and turned the shower knob.  Steam began wafting up and filling the somewhat small bathroom.  "Oh, what a night," she sighed.

Her hand smoothed the top of her black hair.  Slowly rising, Jing Mei glanced at herself in the mirror.  Her face was pale, too pale for an Asian woman, which was part of the pride of her family.  If she hadn't the narrow eyes, she could pass for a white woman.

Jing Mei had endured the fire and scorn of her family as she told them she put little Michael up for adoption.  It wasn't a loud shouting match, or a barrage of insults.  That was why it hurt.  It was _their_ quiet inability to look at their once pride and joy.  It was _her_ inability to be able to explain the stupid mistake she had made and not wanting to make the beautiful baby she had held in her arms, pay for that mistake.

In some instances, Jing Mei would think to herself as she was treating a patient, '_Is this enough?  Have I helped enough people?  Have I paid enough for the mistake I so eagerly made?'_  Hoping against all hope that saving someone's life might in return save hers.

Jing Mei took a deep breath, leaning on the bathroom sink.  _She was tired of explaining it.  They would never understand.  They didn't want to._

With a tear escaping beneath the tightly squeezed eyelids, Jing Mei walked out of the bathroom and went to her bedroom.  As she slipped into her bathrobe, Jing Mei pulled the bobby pins out of her tightly twisted hair.

Even if she donated her heart on a silver platter to some dying child, Jing Mei would never be that daughter again.

» * »

John sat looking out on the expanse of landscape that his Grams had easily paid for.  He couldn't sleep.  He never seemed to be able to sleep.  It was something that seemingly escaped him these days.  Or the past several months.

Even imagining being with Abby didn't seem to set his mind at peace anymore.  Not that it really ever had; the thoughts awakened him, more than anything.

Poor.  How he once used to dream about giving everything he had, the money that put him on planes flying away from his parents to the big huge house on the hill which made him a stuck up rich boy, all of that, just to be normal.  To be loved.

How John had imagined things would be different if his parents showed him how to actually _live_ in this world and with it's people, rather than just walk on top of them or pay them off.  Like money would heal the wounds inflicted upon children by their parents.

The embers of the cigarette glowed in the darkness of the night.  '_He really needed to quit smoking these things,' he thought to himself._

He had hated the barrage of questions that Susan and Abby continued to throw at him at the college.  John hadn't been expecting them.  He hadn't been expecting to be ganged up on.

_'Abby? Okay, maybe just a little.  Okay, and Susan was one for teasing,'_ _he said to himself._

It baffled him to think that another relationship had ended, like all of his other relationships -- and not just the romantic kind.  Benton, who had been his mentor and teacher, gone – off to another hospital so that he could spend time with Reese.

Carter considered Benton emotionally defunked too.  He never imagined Benton to actually end up finding love with Chloe and making it really work.  John had always been able to relate to Benton in a way, even though it seemed he was the complete opposite of John.  They thought the same way, in regards to women.  Work came first, then the women.

_'Obviously it hadn't worked with Benton,' he chided himself.  'Look how it ended with Carla and Elizabeth.  It took a strong woman like Chloe to prove to Benton that work isn't all it's cracked up to be.  She showed him that loving someone accomplished something.  Being the best surgeon and saving all the lives in the world didn't fill up the emptiness in your own.'_

John took a last drag out of his cigarette and walked back up to the house.

_Please R&R!  I hope you guys like it.  Keep in mind that it is my first Jinter fanfiction.  Be kind!_


	3. 3

If I Have Not Love

Part Three 

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_Love is patient, love is kind._

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"Hey John!" Susan Lewis called from across the admin desk.

John looked up at the older ex-girlfriend.  "Yeah?"

"Abby, Luka and I are going to this new jazz club that just opened up.  Luka found a flyer for it the other night and thought it might be fun."

The hair on John's neck stood up at the mere mention of Luka.  

_Luka, oh, he's so hot.  He's an amazing Hamlet_.

John pushed the thoughts out of his mind.  "No.  I've got the evening shift tonight.  Maybe another time," he said drolly.

Susan rolled her eyes.  "Whatever," she replied and walked away.

"Hey John," Abby greeted.  "Whaddya up to tonight?"

"I'm working," he said sarcastically.  "What do you think?"

Abby put up her hands, "Whoa, a little crabby today?  Didn't you get enough sleep last night?" she teased.

John took a deep breath.  "No."  He didn't expect an inquiry, Abby was never into those, unless it was about his love life or Luka.

No, John was the one who did the asking in 'their relationship'.  John didn't even know if he could really call it a relationship.  The world pretty much centred around Abby.  That was until the day he'd had enough and told her off.

**Flashback**

_"You know what? Stop it...don't talk to me about Luka," he said angrily. " I'm not your girlfriend. And I shouldn't even be here with you." He leaned against the railing.  "I don't want sit on the sidelines waiting for you to break up." _

_He looked over at a speechless Abigail. "And I don't want to be your friend. It might be convenient for you, but it's not doing much for me."_

**End of flashback**

John awoke from his thoughts and found Abby had left the admin desk.

"Hey John," Luka's voice called.

"NO!  I CANNOT COME TONIGHT!" he yelled at the stunned Luka.

"Um, sorry.  That's too bad," he said confused.  "But I have a patient in Exam 3 with chest pains and I have a fracture in 1.  I just wanted to know if you could take one of them?  But if you can't that's all right."

John closed his eyes.  _Everytime!  Everytime!  _

He nodded his head and took the chest pain in 3.

He really needed a cigarette and his shift hadn't even begun. 

The afternoon dragged on into the night.  He wondered who was on the evening shift.  John hoped it would be someone with more patience than he had tonight.

~~~

He had just lost a patient.  It seemed so simple.

Why couldn't I close it?  Why couldn't I get to the aorta in time? 

John slammed the locker shut.  _What a way to end the night!_

"John, are you all right?" a soft voice slipped into the darkness he was enveloped in. "John?"

He looked up.  _Deb._

» * »

Jing Mei had walked into the staff lounge knowing full well that John would be upset.  She had assisted as the gunshot victim lay bleeding out on their table.

**Flashback**

_"Time of death 9:34 p.m." Jing Mei informs the nurse._

_"John, he's in v-fib.  John, he's gone."_

_She watched him continue to work the patient ignoring the ringing of flatline hounded each of her ears.  "John," she said again.  This time, she put her bloody gloved hand on John's, stopping the frantic massaging of the heart.  "There were to many injuries.  Even if you had got the heart going, he would have bled out anyway."_

_He tore his gloves off and the bloody gown.  "Damn it!" he yells, walking out of the trauma room._

**End of flashback**

"End of shift?" she asked softly.  Jing Mei put her arm around his slouched shoulders.

She heard nothing but a murmur.  "John?"

"Why didn't I shock him earlier?" he asked distraught.

"John," Jing Mei sympathized, "you had to stop the internal bleeding.  There was no way you could have realized his heart would give out so soon and fast."

Jing Mei had never seen John so upset with himself.  It really didn't make sense to her.  There was another reason.  "John you know this.  Why this patient?  Why are you so upset about this patient?"

His body flinched at the question.  "Nothing."  He shrugged her off like he always did.  John hated being confronted with his emotions or dealing with the ghosts of the past.  She knew that about him.

_She knew a lot about him._

Patiently she waited for John to answer.  To start rambling off the reasons why this patient didn't _really_ upset him.  He wasn't upset at _himself_.  He didn't expect to be perfect.  People make mistakes.

"Deb, he shouldn't have died."

She wouldn't say anymore.  Jing Mei knew the pain of a mistake.  She knew the sting of death of one who was unknown to her.  Hadn't she almost left this place because of the unexpected turns.

Jing Mei thought she'd dealt with death a long time ago, when she killed that patient under the influence of narcotics.  And then it happened all over again, except this time, she was in full control of her facilities.

She watched Carter bury his face into his hands.  _How many times had she done that?_

Her fingers began to gently run through the back of hair.  "John, it'll be okay."

Jing Mei promised silently to John that she would be here for him.  He had so many demons to conquer, it was the least she could do for the only person who cared about her in this place.

He was the only one who could make her feel like it was possible for someone to…_to love her_.

_Please R&R!  I hope you guys like it.  Keep in mind that it is my first Jinter fanfiction.  Be kind!_


	4. 4

If I Have Not Love

Part Four 

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_It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud._

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"Deb, come on!" John coaxed.  "Let me take you to dinner.  It's the least I can do after you got me through that night."

Jing Mei looked at him crookedly.  "John, you don't have to."  She didn't want to go on a thank you date.  Jing Mei wasn't that desperate—yet.

"But I want to," he smiled that Carter smile, which pretty much almost got him anything he wanted.

How could she refuse? 

"Fine.  You can take me to Mickey D's," she stated, finishing up her paperwork for the night.

Out of the corner of her eye, Jing Mei saw Carter roll his eyes at her. "Hey, you keep that up and you won't get the pleasure of my company!" she warned, looking up after scribbling a note for 2ccs of morphine.

"All right," he put up his hands in surrender.  "But can't I just take you out somewhere else than Mickey D's?  Aren't you tired of it yet?  I always take you there."

"Not lately," she mumbled.  Jing Mei looked up at the pleading Carter.  "Nope.  We're going to McDonalds and getting a happy meal.  I need one after my run in with Romano.  Seriously I don't know how Susan can stand him sometimes.  If he wasn't an amazing doctor, I'd throttle him."

Carter shrugged and headed to the staff lounge.  "Fine, you're loss.  You could have had an all-paid-for meal at Chez Huit!" he yelled over his shoulder.

Jing Mei smiled to herself.  It was the first time in weeks since they've gone out to MacDonalds.  She had begun missing their talks over Big Macs and fries.  "I'll take Mickey D's any day!" Jing Mei yelled and quickly finished her charts.

~~~

"So, your turn for a crappy night?" John teased, biting into his Big Mac.

"Yeah.  It wasn't a big deal, but sometimes I wonder why I work at County," she moaned.  Jing Mei smiled to herself as she watched a dribble of sauce linger on the corner of John's mouth.  "You've got…right..." she waited for John to lick it with the tip of his tongue, but he kept on missing.  "Here.  Let me get it."

Jing Mei reached over the small table top and wiped away the sauce with her thumb.  "You know, I feel like a mom doing this to you."

John's brown eyes seemed to study her as she quickly realized what she had just said.  "You'd make a great mom," he said quietly, his eyes still watching her intently.

"Thanks," Jing Mei said rasply.  She picked up a fry and began to twirl it between her fingertips.  With renewed strength, she joked to Carter.  "Why _is_ it that we love these fries?"

John blinked at her as she looked questioningly at him.  Looking away, he seemed to give way to the change of subject Jing Mei obviously wanted.  "I don't know.  I think I feel an obligation to stand by MacDonalds for making the first processed fry," he laughed.

"Hey John, behind you is an older lady that seems like your type."  Jing Mei muffled a laugh.

"Where?" he asked absentmindly.

"Right behind you.  Twelve o'clock."

He turned around and she could tell by the slouch of his shoulders, he'd spotted her.  "Haha. Very funny Chen."

Jing Mei continued to look at the elderly grey-haired woman, hobbling around with a wooden cane.  In feign shock she exclaimed, "John, I was _sure _she was your type!"

The sardonic look on John's face said it all.  She doubled over laughing.  "You should have seen your face John!"

He rolled his eyes at her and crumpled the empty paper wrap that once held his burger.  "Are you done?" he asked, looking at the small pile of fries dispersed on the tray.

She stopped long enough to answer him.  "Yeah," she smiled.  Taking a breath, "Thanks for supper!"

They both threw their garbage in the trash and proceeded to the L-train.  "I can take you home Deb," John offered.

Jing Mei felt a shiver down her spine as the cold air hit her face, blowing her straight black hair away from her face.  "I'm fine Carter.  I can take care of myself.  I'm a big girl."

John shrugged and smiled a crooked little smile.  "Hey, it's a gentleman's duty to walk his date home."

She closed her eyes as John labeled their night out a 'date'.  Opening her eyes again she smiled.  "I'm fine," she said resolutely.  "I don't need a babysitter.  Jing Mei knew she sounded a little more testy than she should have sounded.

Jing Mei looked over at the observant Carter, seemingly trying to figure out what was wrong.  "Look John, it's not like I live in the worst neighborhood in the world.  I'll be fine."

He smiled again and shook his head.  "Nope.  I'm taking you home."

And with that, he linked her arm through his and they began the journey to her apartment.

» * »

They hopped off the L-train a couple of blocks ago.  John didn't know what it was.  Things were so different with Deb now.  '_Jing Mei,' he reminded himself._

What started as a friendly rivalry in med school became an honest friendship.  John always trusted Deb to give him an honest answer and feelings be damned.  Not that she wasn't sensitive and sweet when he needed it, but Deb was always ready to give him a swift kick in the arse if he needed or deserved it.

John used to envy Deb's brains.  Back in med school, when girls didn't matter as much as being the top of the class, John would secretly watch what Deb was doing or what she was saying to understand the recent class topic.  Not that he was a dummy, but it didn't hurt to hear a different point of view or have a comparison to see if he was right.

She also had another advantage.  It didn't hurt for her to have parents that were almost the top of their field in medicine.

But she never bragged about it.  Having parents that were doctors, or that she always aced the exams, much to John's chagrin.

"John?"  Jing Mei brought him back to reality.

She always brought him back to reality.

In it all, she was in fact, pretty modest.  Actually, self-conscious, about her skills as a physician.  '_Maybe that's why she's gotten herself into the messes she's had.  She always waited around for someone to tell her she was right.  Deb was so scared of being wrong, that she ended up becoming what she didn't want the most.'_

"Hey Carter!  I know you're a startling coversationalist and deep thinker, but do you think you could stay with me here?" she said sarcastically.

John looked over at his friend, actually his best friend.  Although he hadn't been treating her that way, especially in the past few months.  "What?" he asked defensively.

"John, I know you're probably self-analyzing everything you did today, but I'm here to tell you.  Don't.  Don't analyze all the calls you made, don't beat yourself up for the mistakes you _might_ have made.  Just be.  Just trust you did the best you could at the time."

John looked intently at the woman who seemed to hold the wisdom of the ages and cocked his head and smiled.  "I will if you will."

She seemed a little stunned at the retort.  "What do you mean?" she asked as they stopped at a crosswalk.

"I mean," he paused pointing his finger at her, which she quickly swatted away. "You give good advice my friend, but you sure don't take any of it."

Her mouth pursed at the comment.  She opened her mouth to reply, but then quickly closed it again.  "I don't analyze myself Carter.  Stop projecting," she accused.

"Deb, did you or did you not just tell me tonight that you asked Romano's opinion about some patient, even though I _know_ that you know exactly what was wrong with him."

She rolled her eyes.  "John, that has nothing to do with analyzing everything I do."

John tugged on Deb's arm and they continued their walk back to her apartment.  "You know as well as I do, that since you've been back, you've questioned every call that you've made in the trauma room, especially if Keri or Mark was assisting."

"You're wrong," she replied, keeping her gaze ahead, towards the approaching apartment building that she lived in.

"I'm not," he said casually, shaking his head.

John felt her hands on his chest push him to a stop.  She had stepped in front of him and stood on the verge of tears.

"Fine.  You're right Carter," she stifled a sob.  "You're right.  You're always right.  I don't know if I'll make a good doctor anymore.  I can't seem to do anything right in that hospital.  People I work on, they die.  Okay, two.  But I'm sure that you haven't got two deaths like I have on your record."

John watched as she shook with rage.  He knew it wasn't at him.  He knew it wasn't at the accusing doctors.  It was at herself.

"Deb I'm the last one to judge you.  I'm a drug addict for pete's sake."

Deb wiped away the tears sliding down her cheek. "Yes," she said.  "But at least you don't make the same mistake twice.  At least your mistake didn't cost you the life of two patients."

Deb's hands slid from his chest and hung lifelessly beside her.  He opened his mouth to say something, but before he had the chance, Deb walked away.

"Deb!" he called.

She didn't turn around.  "I'll see you tomorrow John."

John stood there for a while.  Looking up at the apartment window being lit.  A shadowy figure snuffed out by the flicker of a light switch.

_Please R&R!  I hope you guys like it.  Keep in mind that it is my first Jinter fanfiction.  Be kind!_


	5. 5

If I Have Not Love

Part Five 

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_ It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily _

_angered, it keeps no record of wrongs._

***********************************__

"John!" Jing Mei called from the admin desk.

He had just been heading to the staff lounge.  John had noticed her, but didn't know if after last night, she'd want to see him.  "Yeah?"

Jing Mei put away a chart before walking over from the admin desk.  "I just wanted to, um," she paused, looking at the staring nurses.  "Uh, can we go into the lounge for a minute."

John nodded.  "Sure."  He'd hoped she'd calmed down from last night.  John hated leaving it the way they did, but there wasn't really much he could do, short of climbing the oak tree that stood in front of her apartment.

Jing Mei stood in front of him with her hands in her lab coat.  "John, I just want to apologize for last night.  I shouldn't have snapped at you like that."

John unwrapped the scarf that hung around his neck and slipped off his wool jacket.  "It's all right Deb.  I mean, I shouldn't have said what I did."

She shook her head adamantly.  "No you were right.  I haven't been myself lately.  I second guess myself."

John watched her sink into the couch that rested against the wall.  "Deb, look, you've been through a lot these couple of months.  I mean, I don't expect you to jump back on your feet right away."

Jing Mei looked up at him, "It's just…it's just I don't want to make another mistake John.  I _can't _make another mistake."

"Look Deb, you made them.  You faced them and now you're going to move on.  You are a great doctor.  This is a start of a new day.  You can't help the things you cannot change, and you change the things you can.  That's something I learned in AA."

Jing Mei got up and gave him a peck on the cheek.  "When did you get so smart?"

He smiled.  "The day I met you," he chuckled.

She winked at him and walked out of the staff room.

***********************************__

_ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth._

***********************************__

Jing Mei walked out of the lounge light-hearted.  John's comments from the night before had stuck to her.  It wouldn't allow her a good night's sleep.  Finally she admitted to herself that she was weak.  That she was scared of making another mistake.

She made herself promise to apologize to Carter, and with that promise, Jing Mei finally fell asleep.

"Jing Mei!" Keri yelled.  "What are you ordering another battery of tests for?"

Jing Mei rolled her eyes.  "The other set wasn't conclusive enough.  So I sent up another batch of blood to be worked up."

"What do you think we're made of Chen?  Money?  You work with the set of labs you get.  They aren't going to be any different," Keri barked.

Jing Mei couldn't say anything and walked away.  Had she opened her mouth, Jing Mei knew that she would regret what would come out of it.  She, instead, headed to exam 2.  10-yr old boy, chest pains, inability to breathe.

As she opened the curtain, Jing Mei gazed upon a chestnut brown-haired boy.  He was already in a gown and was lying fitfully on the bed.  Beside him was a young mother, no more than 27.  She had bags under her eyes and she sat beside her son with his coat on her lap.  "Excuse me," Jing Mei interrupted the quiet scene.  "I'm Dr. Chen."

The mother arose from her seat and greeted the doctor.  "Hi, I'm Jean," the mother introduced herself.

Jing Mei went to the bed and checked the boy's pupils and ears.  She looked at the chart once more and shook the boy once.  "Ryan?  Ryan, I'm Dr. Chen," she said softly to the sleepy-eyed boy.  "Can you open your mouth for me so I can check your throat for you?"

Ryan nodded.

After examining the boy, Jing Mei explained to the mother that it was probably bronchitis and handed her a prescription for some anti-inflammatories.  "I hope you feel better Ryan."

Jing Mei smiled at the boy who slowly climbed out of the bed to get dressed.  She closed the curtains around the boy and mother, for privacy.

"Deb," John called, as he fell in step with Jing Mei walking down the hallway.  "I heard Weaver reamed you out?"

She rolled her eyes at the memory.  "Yeah," Jing Mei nodded.  "Tell me why you like her again?"

John shrugged.  "Did you want to catch a late supper again tonight?"

Jing Mei paused in the hallway to look at Carter.  "Why?  What did I do to deserve such special treatment?"

"I thought we'd celebrate a new day for the both of us."  He winked as he walked away.  "And I'm taking you to a _nice_ restaurant this time!" he yelled from down the corridor.

Jing Mei smiled and walked to her next patient.

_Please R&R!  I hope you guys like it.  Is it going to slow?_


	6. 6

Disclaimer:  All characters belong to NBC and the verses from 1 Cor. 13

If I Have Not Love

Part Six 

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_It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres._

***********************************

Jing Mei had gone through her closet a couple of times.  None of the dresses looked right.

_She hated it.  She hated this feeling_.

Jing Mei looked at the clock.  8:00 p.m.  He would be there in 15 minutes.

All of her dresses were either too slinky or dowdy or conservative.  "Come on!  This is John.  I don't need to worry about what I wear," she chided herself.

But the restaurant might mind.

Jing Mei studied at her image in the full-length mirror.  _'Not bad,' she thought to herself._

She brushed her shoulder length hair and quickly placed a silver barrette in her hair near her temple.  "There, ready!" she stated just as the buzzer to the intercom sang out.

"Hello?" she greeted into the speaker as she pressed the button.

"It's me John," he called.

Jing Mei hit the button to unlock the door downstairs.  "Come on up," she called.

Jing Mei took one last look at herself in the hallway mirror.  _It would have to do_.

» * »

John stood outside the apartment door and leaned his head to the side and pulled at his tie.  After taking a deep breath, he knocked on the door.

As the oak door creaked open, shedding light into the dim hallway, he was stunned at the woman standing before him.  John had seen Deb dressed up, but she was looking particularly stunning tonight.  His eyes ran the length of her body, admiring the crimson red dress that accented her _attributes_ wonderfully.  The neckline hung loosely off her bare shoulders, revealing a little cleavage and draped her body freely.  And the hemline just grazed above her knee.  Her tanned arms were bare except for the sheer red wrap that hung loosely around arms. 

Deb stood there, arms out and turned around.  "What do you think?" she smiled.

"You look…_great!_" he stuttered.

Deb blushed and winked at him.  "Thanks.  Where are we going anyway?" she asked.

John smiled a crooked little smile.  "You'll see," he smirked.

~~~

He'd made reservations at the Signature Room.  Window-view requested.

John had used his Grams' connections to get the table.  He couldn't believe the waiting list for a table, but his grandmother always came through.

John tucked Deb's chair in underneath her.  "John, I can't believe you went to all this trouble.  I mean I've been here before and it's _pret-ty_ hard to get a table at short notice," Deb whispered over the candle-lit table.

"Grams helped a little," he admitted.

"How is your grandmother?  Last time I heard, she was getting out of bed a little more."  Deb looked at John over the menu as the waiter poured them glasses of water.

"She's getting there.  She won't be driving anytime soon though."

Deb nodded.  "Um, what do you recommend tonight?" she asked the young waiter.

"Did you want to start with an appetizer?"

Deb looked over at John.  He shrugged.  "I'm starving.  Why don't we just dive into the entrees?"

She nodded in agreement.  "We'll skip the appetizers and just start with the entrees."

The waiter nodded and smiled warmly at Deb.

John rolled his eyes.  "I'll have the New York steak, medium rare.  Baked potato, and oh, what's the soup?" he asked irritated.

The waiter seemed startled and realized that John had been talking to him.  "Oh, um, the soup of the day is cream of asparagus."

John ordered the soup and waited patiently as the waiter _helped_ Deb decide whether she should have the salmon or whitefish.  It made John's skin crawl as the waiter looked over her shoulder and commented on the finer points of the whitefish.  'It was just _unprofessional!_ ' John thought to himself.  Was he not sitting there?

Finally Deb decided on the whitefish at 'Charlie's ' suggestion and he left.  "That waiter has some nerve!" John whispered menacingly.

Deb looked at him with confusion.  "Why?"

"He was hitting on you," he exclaimed incredulously.

Deb laughed.  "You've got to be kidding me John.  He was just helping me pick between the salmon and whitefish."

"I think he was trying to help you pick up something else too," he said sarcastically.

Deb hit his hand playfully.  "Get over it John.  I mean it's not like _this_ is a real date.  So you can cut the jealous boyfriend routine."

John opened his mouth to say something and thought better of it.  He pursed his lip and tried to salvage the conversation.  "So how was work today?" he asked, changing the subject.

"It was okay," Deb replied.  "Romano was on my case again.  And Keri, well, what's new?"

John watched as Deb began playing with the dessert fork.  "You know you can come talk to me, if there's anything wrong," John offered.

She nodded her head.  "Yeah, I know.  It's just sometimes you have to deal with things on your own.  You know?" 

Deb looked up at John seeking some look of understanding.  And he did.  John did understand.

"Yeah," he finally sighed.  "I get it.  But I'm always here for you, you know?"  John peered into Deb's lowering eyes.  He rested his hand on Deb's and she slowly set down the fork.

She swallowed hard.  "So, what about you?" Deb forced a smile and pulled her hand from under his.  "How was your 'new' day?"

John licked his lips.  "It was, well…" he could finish his thought.  John didn't know what his day was.  It had been the boring mundane tasks of taking histories and giving out prescriptions for the same old, same old.  "The same," he finally said.  

Suddenly the waiter appeared bearing a bottle of red wine.  "The '91 Cabernet?  It's compliments from your…" he paused, "Grams?"  The waiter looked questioningly down at John.

John shook his head and nodded.  Charlie proceeded to pour the already uncorked bottle and leave it on the table.  "Thank you," John said picking up the wine glass and sniffing it.

Deb picked hers up as the waiter left,  "A toast John?" she suggested.

He nodded.  "To a new start," John toasted.

"To a new start," Deb toasted.  "May we continue to hope for the best and rise above the evil powers of County General!"  Deb raised her eyebrow at John and winked.

"We _can _rise above it all!" John laughed and brought his wine glass to hers.

"You bet your bippy we can!" Deb nodded once and took a sip of the wine.

And at that moment, John felt happy and hopeful about what lay ahead of him and Deb.  What lay ahead for both of them.

_Please R&R!  How do you guys think it's going?  Is it badly out of character…_


	7. 7

Disclaimer:  All characters belong to NBC and the verses from 1 Cor. 13

If I Have Not Love

Part Seven 

**********************************

_Love never fails.  But where there are prophecies,_

_ they will cease; where there are tongues, they will _

_be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away._

***********************************

"Did you hear about Chen and Carter?" Chuny chuckled and raised her eyebrow suggestively.

"No what?" Haleh asked, looking around for a pen.  "What happened?"

Chuny opened her mouth and then closed it tight.  She motioned with her eyes towards the loud chatter coming in through the ER corridor.

» * »

"You called that romantic?  You are such a sap Carter!" Jing Mei laughed.  "'You had me at hello?' You think that's the most romantic moment in the movies?"

Jing Mei had savored the evening with John.  It had been a long time since she'd gone out to a fancy restaurant like the Signature and with a guy like John.  Sometimes she wished…

'It's no good to wish, Jing Mei,' she chided herself.

"It is," John said incredulously.  "It makes you want to go, 'Awwww!'"

Jing Mei shook her head.

Jing Mei and John had loved the exquisite meal at The Signature Room, but at the end of the meal, they both decided that they wanted to change out of their fancy duds and curl up on the couch and watch a movie.

"John, please don't tell me the finer points of Jerry Maguire again.  _Please_," she sighed.

John looked wide-eyed and in disbelief that she, Jing Mei Chen did not _love_ Jerry Maguire.  He shook his head again, but to her relief John relented on listing off the reasons why he loved that movie…for a romantic comedy anyway.

"I gotta go.  Patient in 3," Jing Mei motioned down the hall.

"'Kay.  I'll catch up with you later!" John called, with his head immersed in his newest chart.

» * »

"I told you," Haleh chuckled, elbowing Jerry in the side.

He rolled his eyes and said in a polite, but superior tone.  "I think we need to mind our own businesses and do our jobs?"

Haleh looked at Jerry then glanced at Chuny, who was covering her mouth, trying not to laugh.  Haleh burst out laughing.  "You're kidding right?  Haaahaha!  We missed your sense of humor around here Jer!"  Haleh pointed at him with her pen.  She shook her head and walked away.

Jerry looked around at the amused employees of County and shook his head.  "If you ask me, they're just friends," he spouted.

"Girlfriend, you've got to be kidding me?" Chuny exclaimed.  "If those two get any tighter, they'll be asking Romano for surgery!"

"I still put my money that Carter's got the hots for Abby," Malik commented as he strolled by pushing a gurney.

» * »

"So how'd your date with Carter go?" Susan asked as she walked into the empty trauma room.

Jing Mei looked up from her mile high pile of files that didn't seem to want to end.  "Huh?  What?" Jing Mei asked confused.

"Your date with Carter.  It's all over the gossip mill.  It's a race between you and Abby.  Right now everyone's bet is on Abby, but I think I'd put my bet on you," Susan deadpanned.

Jing Mei was horrified.  "What do you mean?  John and I went out for dinner.  We did _not_ go on a date."

"Oh, tut tut," Susan chided.  "He picked you up at your apartment didn't he?  In a tux I hear?"

Jing Mei's gaze followed Susan as she paced, stating her case.  "Plus, I hear he took you to the Signature Room.  Pretty fancy for just _dinner?"_

Jing Mei's stomach lurched.  _And this was what was running around the entire hospital?_  

She'd never really talked with Dr. Lewis during her time as a med student, and since she'd been hired as an attending, Jing Mei still hadn't had more than two words to say to the blonde inquisitor.  "I…I," Jing Mei stuttered, not knowing what to say.

"Deb," she laughed.

Jing Mei interrupted her suddenly.  "It's Jing Mei," she corrected, a little uptight at the insinuations.

"Oooookay," she drawled, a little confused.  "_Jing Mei, _you should go for it.  You know…for Carter."

Jing Mei was dazed and confused.  _Where had all this come from?  All from one date?  _

_'No, she meant dinner.  It wasn't a date,' she corrected herself mentally._

"Um, I have to go," Jing Mei said awkwardly.  She gathered her charts up in her arms and headed out the door.

"Don't let Abby beat you out!" Susan yelled.

Jing Mei left the room hearing Susan's chuckle echo behind her.

» * »

John felt like he'd had a grin pasted on his face for hours.  But it wouldn't stop.  He couldn't stop.  After last night's movie and talk, John couldn't stop smiling.

His patients were even getting irritated by the happy-go-lucky grin.

"What are you smiling about?" one intoxicated homeless man asked gruffly.  "I'm sick and you're smiling!  You're one sick son of a gun, you know that?  Delighting in the pain of others."

The comment had even made him smile even more.  It struck him as funny, someone thinking that his smile had to do with their pain.  The more he denied it to the homeless man, the more irritated the man got.  Finally John gave up.

"Fine, Charlie," John replied, looking at his chart.  "I'm happy because you're in pain."  John rolled his eyes and told Lydia to give him fluids and let him go.

***

As the shift wore on, John had heard whisperings of a new couple springing up in the ER.  He didn't hear any names, but it was the talk of the nurse's rumor mill.  As he erased Charlie off the patient board, John spotted Deb and as he grabbed a new chart and made his way over to his late night movie partner.  "Hey Deb," John quipped.  "You look a little worse for wear there."

Deb seemed startled as John greeted her.  She looked up at John with some sort of anxiety.  "Oh, yeah, hi John," she replied shortly and went back to her charts.

"What's the matter?" he asked.

John hadn't expected this kind of _warm_ greeting.

As Deb looked up the paramedics burst in with a gurney.  She turned her head and headed towards the trauma.  "Excuse me John," Deb called.

John watched her walk away towards OR 1.  As he pondered the situation he tilted his head to one side and bit his lip.  '_What was that?' he thought to himself._

John opened his new patient chart and walked off.  His grin had disappeared somewhere.

» * »

"Mm, mm," Chuny shook her head.  "Did _you _see that?  Chen's blowing off Carter already!"

Wendy came down from the corridor and put away a chart that was in her hand.  "What's going on?"

Chuny looked around for signs of the two doctors.  Satisfied that they wouldn't hear her, she replied.  "Dr. Chen's blowing off Dr. Carter."

Wendy opened her mouth in disbelief.  "Already?  Did they only go on one date?"

Chuny shrugged and walked off to check on a patient in exam 3.  "You know how Carter goes through women!"

Haleh walked in behind the admin desk.  "Are you guys still talking about Carter and Chen?" she chided.

"Still?" Wendy pouted.  "I just started.  I'm out of the loop."

Wendy sat down on the stool behind the admin desk and began typing at the computer.

"Well, I heard that Carter's had that stupid grin of his on all day!" Lydia piped in as she walked by with a bedpan.

"Hey guys!"  Abby popped in behind the admin desk.  "What's the rumor mill pumping out today?"

"Uh," Wendy's eyes darted between Abby and Haleh.  "I gotta go!"

Abby watched in confusion as Wendy slipped off the stool and walked, almost ran down the hall.  "What's up with her?" she smirked.

"Nothing," Haleh replied evasively, turned around and walked out from behind the counter.

"Where's everyone going?" Abby asked, looking up at a solemn Jerry.  "Jerry?"

He looked around desperately and leaped when the phone rang.  "County General.  Jerry speaking!" he smiled at her and looked apologetically at Abby.

"Whatever!" Abby sighed, and left.

» * »

"Hey Deb, what's the matter?" John asked, catching up with her, as she was about to leave for another exam.

"John," she exclaimed, turning to greet John.

"Hey," he smiled crookedly.  "So what was with that earlier?"

She looked at him confused.  "What do you mean?"

"You _brushed_ me off," he replied.

Deb opened her mouth to reply and then closed it.  She looked down at her next patient chart.  "I don't know what you're talking about."

John shook his head.  He grabbed her upper arm and turned her around so that she was looking at him.  "At the admin desk.  You were sitting there doing charts."  John waited for some nod of recognition.  There was none.  "I came over and joked with you.  You blew me off."

Deb once again opened her mouth and again, shut it.  She ran her hand threw her hair and something seemed to catch her eye.  She rolled her eyes and shook her head.  John looked behind him and saw Susan, Chuny and Wendy smiling at them.  He shook his head and pointed to them.  "What's with them?" he laughed half-heartedly.

"You don't want to know!" Deb smirked.  

John studied her furrowed eyebrows.  "What's the matter?  Did something happen today?  Did Weaver say something?"  John asked.

Deb seemed at a loss for words.  Then something unusual happened, she laughed.  "John," she replied.  "Do you want to hear something funny?"

» * »

Jing Mei had been eerily unsettled by Susan's inference at her and John's relationship.  She'd told herself time and time again, 'We're just friends'.  But the idea of John and her continued to run through her mind and it made her uncomfortable around John.

Now as she stood before a questioning John she finally had to laugh.  Jing Mei could hear Susan's voice echo through her mind.  _"Jing Mei you should go for it.  You know…for Carter."_

_Boy was he going to laugh at this one!_

What do you guys think?  I am hoping I am getting the characters right. Pls R&R.


	8. 8

Disclaimer:  All characters belong to NBC and the verses from 1 Cor. 13

If I Have Not Love

Part Eight 

***********************************

_For we know in part and we prophesy in part,_

_ but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears.  _

***********************************

Jing Mei was breathing a little easier when the whisperings and the intrigued glances died down and the ER actually felt like a hospital again.  She and John laughed hard about Susan's comment.  Well, sort of anyway.  At one point John seemed very agitated and annoyed, nothing new, when someone would stick their nose into his personal affairs.

_Affairs?_  Jing Mei laughed at her little pun.

She'd had her share of "little" affairs during the past year and Jing Mei never intended to do it again.  Besides, Jing Mei was less impetuous after her encounter with childbirth.  She'd realized in her head what her heart had been telling her all along – sleeping with someone had consequences.

Jing Mei wasn't a woman to sleep with any guy she'd just met, although Frank seemed to be on of those lapses in judgment.  A _senior moment_, she liked to call them.  But over the past year with the baby and the sudden turnabout in Mark's remission, Jing Mei realized how fleeting life was to waste on one-night stands.  Furthermore, her mother had always taught her _better than that!_

Jing Mei chuckled at the thought.  _Yeah, because she'd always listened to her parents._

She sighed as she pondered these thoughts, walking down the stairs to the ER.  Coming down from Radiology, Jing Mei fingered her patient's films, looking for an explanation for his chest pains.

She wanted real love.  Despite her irritation at her parent's advise on her love life that bordered on meddling, Jing Mei envied how much her parents loved each other.  Though the aging Asian couple weren't overtly affectionate, Jing Mei would catch a quick kiss on the cheek or a loving poke to her mother's ribs that would cause her to jump and sometimes, even giggle like a schoolgirl.

In a world full of skeptics, and oversexed men and woman willing to try anything with anyone, Jing Mei admitted that she believed in true love.  She believed that there was a perfect love and though Jing Mei might not find it in her lifetime, it existed.  Her parents were living proof of that.

And lately, sometimes Jing Mei thought, just maybe, she had even found that special someone…that person that made everything and everyone disappear.

"Deb," a familiar voice called.

Jing Mei snapped out of her reverie.  "Yeah John?" she replied with a smile.

» * »

In the past few days, John had watched Deb battle the foe, which was 'the nurse's rumor mill.  It had amused him to no end.  Each night, John left the ER chuckling at some stunt Deb had planned to divert the 'suspicion' of a coupledom between John and Deb.  One night Deb went as far as to pay a flower shop to send her roses and write a hot steamy note.  Unbeknownst to her though, her cheque had bounced and the florist left a card along with the note asking for payment of the bill.  John had gotten a couple night's worth of ribbing for that one alone!

"Deb," he called the distracted doctor from her thoughts.

Her head lifted and her dark eyes looked up to meet his.  "Yeah John?" Deb replied.

"What time is your shift over?" he asked following her down one of the ER corridors.

"Um," Deb looked at her watch, "I'm off in forty-five.  Why?"

John stopped walking and placed his pen in his lab coat.  "I thought we could catch a movie," he answered casually.

Deb's eyebrow rose questioningly at John.  "Are you serious?" Deb asked incredulously.

John nodded confused.  "Yeah, why?  Do you have a date or something?"

As the words left his mouth, John was hit with the realization that it could be a possibility.  The thought hadn't crossed his mind – until now.  Deb was beautiful and intelligent.  _Any man in his right mind would want her._  John swallowed hard.  He didn't like the idea of someone else coming in between their late night talks and fast food binges.

John and Deb hadn't gone out since the 'date' and he had found himself planning their next evening together during his time off.  Now the thought of someone interested in Deb made his stomach flip-flop.

"No!" Deb exclaimed.  "I mean, I think we've just stopped being the topic of the _NRM_ and I don't, for one, want to start it up again."

John breathed a sigh of relief.  He watched Deb raise her eyebrow and purse her lips as she tried to make her point.  John thought he understood, except for one point, "The NRM?" he asked confused.

"_You_ know," she mumbled as her eyes kept darting in the direction of the admin desk.  "The Nurse's Rumor…Mil…"

Deb's voice trailed off as Chuny strolled by them with a big grin on her face.

"The nurse's rumor mill," Deb finished quickly, looking over John's shoulder.

"So, the _NRM_, huh?" John stifled his laugh.

"Yes!" Deb grimaced.  "Sshhh! Don't say anything.  I don't want them to know we're talking about them to know we're talking about them."  

John shook his head as Deb continued to look over her shoulder and over his.  Suddenly John felt his tie being pulled to the side, and his body followed unwillingly, being dragged behind a closing exam curtain.  Deb folded her arms across her chest.  "I am _not_ going through that nightmare again!" Deb exclaimed.

John laughed and straightened his now, crooked tie.  "Don't you think that seeing you pull me behind exam curtain one defeats the purpose?" he chuckled.

Deb slumped over and hit the palm of her hand against her forehead.  John watched as Deb slowly slid onto the empty gurney and flopped onto her back.  "I _give_ up!" she yelled.  "Why can't they just talk about _Abby_ and _you_ again?" she moaned.

John was surprised at her comment.  He hadn't talked to Abby for a few days.  Their shifts never seemed to coincide and even when she did work the same shifts, Abby seemed to get called up to Obstetrics a lot.  But these days his focus had been on _someone else_ lately – on their confusing, yet funny screwball antics.

John scratched his head and grinned amused.  "So are we on for tonight then?" John quipped.

"Yeah!" Deb mumbled through the pillow she had just covered her face with.  "It couldn't get any _worse!_"

John shook his head and slipped through the opening in the curtain.  "Seven then?" John asked somewhat loudly, so the nurses in the surrounding area could hear.

Before John could smirk at the now embarrassed Deb, he found a soft white flying projectile coming towards his head.

_Whumph!_

John caught the pillow as it fell from his stunned face.  "Ill take that as a yes?" John smirked and walked away before Deb could throw something at him that could hurt.

************************************************

_Tell me what you think guys?_


	9. 9

Disclaimer:  All characters belong to NBC and the verses from 1 Cor. 13

If I Have Not Love

Part Nine 

***********************************__

_When I was a child, I talked like a child, I reasoned like_

_ a child.  When I became a man, I put childish ways _

_behind me._

***********************************

Jing Mei had had a _long_ day and she looked forward to hanging out with John tonight.  He had invited her over to his Grams for supper. John had opted not to tell her if his _Grams_ would be there.  But in the end, Jing Mei didn't really care if she was there.  On the few occasions that Jing Mei had met Mrs. Carter, she had been pleasantly surprised to how sweet the woman was.

Not that anyone should trifle with the woman though, or her grandson, especially when it was a woman.  When it came to John, Mrs. Carter was a bit on the protective and catty side.  It was the same old, same old when it came to grandmas loving their grandsons.  And _no _woman would _ever_ be good enough for _her_ Johnny.

Jing Mei laughed as she tightened her ponytail and pulled on the back of her red t-shirt.  The night air was crisp, but Jing Mei loved it.  It held a kind of freshness in the air and the promise of more nights to come.  As Jing Mei rung the doorbell, she tucked a straggling lock of hair that wasn't long enough to be held back by the ponytail elastic.

"Yes?" a classic short plump maid answered the door.

Jing Mei had to get a hold of herself and try not to laugh.  "I'm here to see John," she informed the maid.

The maid nodded and motioned her into the foyer.  The house was as she remembered it.  It was large, as you could tell when you drove up the driveway, but on the inside, Mrs. Carter, had decorated it to be cozy.  The house wasn't quaint, but it also wasn't formal.  You could tell she had decorated it herself, instead of letting some stranger tell her what she should and should not have in her house.

"Just a moment," the maid chirped.  "I don't think Mr. Carter is home yet.  You say he's expecting you?"

Jing Mei nodded.  "I could come back if you want?" she offered.

"No no!" a familiar voice called from the top of the staircase in the foyer.  "Come in and wait for the boy."

Jing Mei looked up to the top of the stairwell and found Mrs. Carter hovering over the stairs leaning on a cane.  "Do you want me to help you down, Mrs. Carter?"

The woman's disapproving frown was her answer.  "Don't patronize me!  I can very well walk down these stairs."

As she said that, the cane she lowered to the next step slipped and Mrs. Carter faltered.

Jing Mei dashed up the stairs to help, but Mrs. Carter caught herself on the banister.  "I said I can _do it!_" Mrs. Carter chided.

Jing Mei followed beside Mrs. Carter as she slowly made her way down the stairs.  She was about to ask her if she was all right, but Jing Mei thought better of it.

As they reached the bottom of the staircase, Jing Mei followed the elder Carter into the living room.  "Have a seat dear, you don't have to hover!" Mrs. Carter retorted.

"Thank you," Jing Mei said, taking a seat on the couch adjacent to Mrs. Carter's red, velvet antique chair.

"So," Mrs. Carter smiled.  "How have you been Ms. Chen?  It is Ms. Chen, right?"

Jing Mei smiled.  "Yes.  You can call me Jing Mei."

Mrs. Carter had a scrunched her face for a moment.  "Didn't it used to be a different name?  I don't recall John calling you…what was it you said?  _Jing…May?_"

Jing Mei smiled.  "Uh, yes Mrs. Carter.  I…well, I used to go by Deb," she explained.

Mrs. Carter nodded.  "Yes, yes.  I remember.  John used to talk about you all the time.  You used to get a rise out of him like nobody could!"

Mrs. Carter laughed.

"Mrs. Carter," Jing Mei began to speak, but Mrs. Carter interrupted her.

"Call me Millicent or Grams," she corrected.  "Only the people on the board of my husband's company's call me that, and even some of them realize it irritates me."

Jing Mei bit her lip.  "Well, since John calls you Grams, and I always think of you as 'Grams', I think I'll call you Grams," Jing Mei concluded.

"Fine.  Good," Grams replied happily and patted Jing Mei's knee.  "Now how about some tea while we wait for John to get home."

Jing Mei smiled and nodded.  "That would be nice."

» * »

John had been detained at the hospital a little later than he'd expected.  A head trauma came in and it was just him and Kovac in the ER at the time.  By the time his shift ended, he was ready to go home.  John waited till Susan showed up and then he left the ER.  "Night guys!" he called to the staff at the admin desk.

"Night Carter!" Susan called, looking up from a chart.  "Say hello to Deb for me!"

John shook his head and ran to the L-train. _Susan_.  

As he breathlessly sat himself down in an empty seat on the train, sometimes he didn't understand why he didn't just get a car.  He had the money.

John looked forward to this evening, but as he sat on the L-train and looked at his watch – 7:15 p.m. – John's heart skipped a beat and realized that Deb would have been at his house for the past 15 minutes.  He hated to think what torture his Grams would put Deb through.  He recalled the fleeting conversations Susan had had with Grams and John hoped Deb didn't run out of the house crying.

He laughed at the image.  John knew she could stand her ground.  Besides, if memory served John correctly, Grams even seemed to like Deb when they had last met.  It had been a while ago though.  Deb and his late night study sessions and fast food binges.

_How they had changed._

He wasn't the same John who had to out-compete and win at everything.  _Those were the good 'ole days._

John felt the L lurch and got off on the next stop.  He checked his watch when he reached his house.  7:35 p.m.  He was really late.

John walked into the foyer and ran upstairs to quickly change.  He could hear laughter when he climbed up the stairs.  

_Oh, that can't be good!_

John hanged as fast as he could, slipping on a pair of jeans and a polo t-shirt.  He ran a quick brush through his hair and made his way down the steps.

"And then John tells me that the driver shouldn't worry…he was off duty!" Grams' voice laughed hysterically.

Another voice joined in on the laughter.  It was Deb.  _This was definitely not looking good!_

"Grams!" John called from the foyer as he strolled in what he attempted to be _casually_, to the living room.  As he entered the living room, John surveyed the situation.  There was a silver tea set on the coffee table, a pile of albums and Grams sitting beside Deb as she leaned over another album, of which John assumed was photos of him.

"He's sooo _cute!_" Deb gushed, winking at him as she noticed him out of the corner of her eye.  "John, how come you didn't show me these pictures of you?  You definitely grew _out of your looks_, rather than how most people grow into them!"

Grams and Deb shared a _look_, one, which frightened John to some extent.  His Grams _never_ got along this well with his girlfriends…

John stopped that thought for a moment and corrected himself.  _Deb happens to be a girl that is your friend._

Shaking his head, John walked to the couch and planted a kiss on the top of his Grams' head.  "What on earth are you doing?" John asked curiously.

"Well _John_," Grams stated in one of her '_you did something wrong but I'm not going to say it in front of company_' tones.  "I had to entertain your young friend here.  Besides, we had to catch up.  Jing Mei, here, has been telling me what her parents have been up to."

John sat down on the arm of the couch, peering into the photo album, which lay between Deb and Gram's lap.  "Well _Grams_," John informed, "I had a head trauma that came in before I left.  _Aren't you glad to know that I saved a life in the time you decided you would embarrass me with pictures of me in the tub?"_

John raised his eyebrow at his disapproving Grandmother.  Jing Mei lifted the photo album off of his grandmother's lap, closed it and set it on the surmounting pile on the coffee table.  Grams' clicked her tongue at him and reached for her cane.  "You don't have to be so _sarcastic_ John Truman Carter."

John watched as his stubborn Grams pushed herself up on her cane.  "It was nice meeting you again _Jing Mei_," she smiled.  "I do hope he behaves himself around you.  Lord knows I've tried to teach him some manners, but he's a stubborn boy."

Jing Mei peered over at him, stifling a laugh.  "I'll make sure he does _Grams,_" Jing Mei laughed, as John frowned at her calling his grandmother, 'Grams'.

As soon as Grams had hobbled back up the stairs for a nap, John splayed himself across the couch and looked up at Deb as his head lay on her lap.  "Sorry I'm late," he sighed.  "ER got hit just an hour after you left."

Inadvertently Jing Mei's hand brushed a lock of hair that fell into his eye.  It sent a shiver down his spine.

_'Things had definitely changed,' _John thought as Deb's dark eyes peered down at him.

John sighed as Jing Mei smirked at him when he raised his eyebrows in a suggestive, playful manner.  "Feed me grapes!" he commanded laughingly.

Jing Mei finally pushed him up by his shoulders and stood up to stretch.  "You know how long I've been sitting here listening to little John boy Carter stories?" she asked as she let out a deep breath, stretching her neck from side to side.

"How long?" he asked tiredly.

"About 45 minutes.  Not that I mind the great stuff I got on you, but _John_, try being a little more punctual!" she laughed, flopping back down on the couch beside him.

They both leaned against the cushions of the couch and tilted their heads to the side so they could look at each other.  "So, what do you want to do?" they both said in unison.

John looked into Deb's dark brown eyes and found himself immersed in the deep dark pools of chocolate.

Suddenly he snapped out it when Deb suggested, "Pizza?  Doesn't that sound good?  I really haven't eaten anything since lunch, and that was an apple and a few crackers and cheese."

_Something's never change._

John smiled, "Yeah, but definitely _meatlovers!_"

"John, no!" Deb pouted.  "We _always _order that!  This time I get to choose!"

He shook his head and relented.  "All right!  I mean it's the least I can do for making you wait a half an hour right?" he sighed.

Deb shook her head and frowned, "You got that right buddy!"

John put up his hands in surrender. "Fine!" he said, getting up from the couch and making his way down the corridor to the kitchen.  "What do you want?" 

John heard the shuffle of shoes against the carpet and then on the linoleum floor.  He stood there with the cordless phone to his ear ready to dial.  "What are you ordering tonight?" he asked again.

Jing Mei hopped up on one of the stools and leaned back on the counter behind her.  She winked and smirked at him.  "Meatlovers, of course!"

I hope you guys really like this story!  I think I've got three more chapters to go! ;oP 


	10. ca10

Disclaimer:  All characters belong to NBC and the verses from 1 Cor. 13

If I Have Not Love

Part Nine 

***********************************

_  Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then _

_we shall see face to face.  _

***********************************

As John watched Deb as she cleaned up the kitchen counter, wiping it up with a wet dishcloth, he felt content.  Contentment had never been a household word in the Carter home.  You always seemed to have to be striving for something.  But at this very moment John knew for the first time what contentment was.

"What are you staring at John?" Deb asked, pulling him out of his thoughts.

"Hmmm?" John asked, "Oh! Nothing."  John ran his fingers through his hair.

Deb walked over to him and pulled on his loose t-shirt.  "Tell me what you're thinking John," she coaxed.  "Or I have my ways of getting it out of you."

John rolled his eyes at the playful threat.  "_Sure_!" he retorted.  "What are you going to do?  Clean my face?" John pointed to the moist dishcloth in her hand.

Deb raised her eyebrows and smiled mischievously.  "No," she said slowly, "I'll do _this_!"  

Deb flicked the twisted wet cloth at his leg.

"_Ow_!" John yelped as the high-speed towel made contact with his thigh.

"I _told_ you I had my _ways_," Deb teased as she jumped out of his grasping hand.

John whistled as he stood up from the stool and rubbed his leg.  "Where'd you learn to do _that_?"

"When I lived in dorms," she replied casually.  "Sometimes the girls would get into these wet towel fights while we washed dishes.

John smiled at the picture.  "_Really_?  How come I never got to RA those dorms?"

Deb shook her head.  "Shut up John."

When Deb had finished cleaning up the mess they'd made in the kitchen she leaned up against the island counter.

John looked over at her and laughed.  "You _do _know that we have maids to do that?"

Deb grimaced.  "A little housecleaning won't kill you John," she reminded, throwing the dishcloth at him.

John ducked as the wet projectile grazed his head.  "Hey, I work!  Just not in the house," he pointed at Deb.

***

John and Deb made their way out to the backyard.  "Hey?  Do you still have that swing set out here?"

John nodded.  He led the excited Deb to an old-fashioned playground swing set.  Deb walked over to the middle seat while John took the one to her right.  "I forgot we had these," John piped in.

"Well I just remembered these because I was jealous that you got to have one," Deb recalled.  "My parents were too busy to push me, let alone have one of these babies in the yard. Too busy working so that they could give me '_everything'_ they thought I needed."

John watched Deb as she began to swing.  She gazed upwards as she rocked back and forth.  "Well you can drop by anytime!" John joked.  "I'm sure my grams would enjoy the company."

Deb smiled faintly as she looked over at him.  "John," she said seriously.  "Do you think you'll ever get married?"

John just about choked on the breath of air he'd just breathed in.  "Wh…what made you think about that?" he managed to choke out.

"I was just thinking that I'm getting too old to find that someone," Deb said wistfully.  "I mean if you haven't found that _right _person by now…what are the chances you or me will find that person?"

John looked at Deb wondering if she was implying what he thought she was implying.  She seemed very distant and contemplative.  "I don't…know," John replied hesitantly.

» * »

Jing Mei noticed how uncomfortable John was.  He seemed on edge.  _Oh God…_

"John, I totally wasn't talking about you…and…well, me?" she exclaimed incredulously.  "I mean, you're my best friend…I think I know too much about you to fall in love with you…" 

Jing Mei felt the heat rise to her face.  _How did she get herself into this situation?_

John grinned his famous grin and Jing Mei knew that the tangent about her and John was over.  "Well yeah!  I wasn't thinking you meant _that_!" John fumbled.

Jing Mei tucked a lock of hair behind her ear.  "I was just wondering," she said awkwardly.

John nodded.  There was a long period of silence.  Finally John spoke up.  "I get what you mean though," he offered.

Jing Mei sighed.  "Yeah, I mean, do you think you'll ever be ready to commit to one person?"

She finally felt the 'bomb' had been diffused and she and John could talk candidly.

John shrugged his shoulders.  "I don't know," he replied.  "I don't know if I believe in forever."

Jing Mei stopped rocking and looked up at John.  "Why?"

He shook his head.  "I don't know.  I mean I've seen what it looks like when it doesn't work and how messed up you can get when you convince yourself it's the _right _person and it's not."

Jing Mei agreed.  "_And_ I've seen it when it's working great and you do everything right and find the _right person."_

John frowned at her.  "And what?" he asked confused.  "Why would that kill the idea of marriage for you?  Or explain a vast list of short-term relationships.  I mean, my parent's marriage and divorce is my excuse."

Jing Mei smiled at his attempt to joke about how hurt he was that his parents were divorcing.  She swallowed hard.  "Yeah, but near perfection or happiness makes it hard for you to live up to it.  Especially when it's my parents," she explained.  "They make it look so easy."

John swung his leg onto the other side of the seat so he was straddling the swing.  He leaned his face against the metal chain holding up the swing.  "Yeah, he sighed.  "I guess it's hard all around."

Jing Mei nodded this time.  "Sometimes I just want to give up.  Who needs someone to come home to?" she asked wearily.

But Jing Mei lied.  She wanted that.  She wanted to have someone to come home to and give her a hug after a long night.  Jing Mei looked at John who'd had a vast number of relationships in the past few years.  How she envied those women.  Not that she wanted a short heart breaking relationship with John, Jing Mei was happy they could talk and were best friends.  But part of her envied that the women had had someone like John chase after them.

Jing Mei was resented Abby's treatment of John the past few months.  She had this _great guy_ – actually two, in fact – and she just pushed them away.  If Jing Mei had someone half as great as John, she'd be happy, but even that seemed like a dimming reality.  Between her job and well, her _job_, Jing Mei was too tired to go looking for someone.  _If God had someone for her, like her mother used to tell her when tucking her in her bed, then he'd better hurry up._  Because slowly, Jing Mei didn't think she would ever find that person.  

She closed her eyes.  _If you're out there…find me._

» * »

John could read that 'relationship depression' was hovering over her head.  "Deb," he said softly.  "You'll find _someone_."

He hated saying that.  John sounded like a cliché.  She wasn't a pathetic woman who couldn't get a man.  Deb just wasn't.

John saw her upper body shiver as she wrapped her arms around herself.  "Thanks," she replied distantly.

"Do you want to go back inside?" John offered.

Deb looked at her watch and nodded.  "I should probably be getting home."

John untangled him self from the swing set and put his arm around the sullen Deb.  "I wasn't just saying _it,_ you know?" he comforted.

"What?" Deb looked up at him confused, as they strolled up the to the house.

"That you'll find someone," he clarified.

Deb nudged him with her hip.  "Come on John!  With all the pretty blondes in the ER, who'd notice me?" she joked.

John shrugged.  "_Me?_"

Deb looked curiously at him.  "If I wasn't into older blonde women," John added, winking at her.

Deb rolled her eyes at him and poked him in the ribs.  "Yeah, I should have _known_!  Blondes always have the _fun!_"

"It's true," John exclaimed, laughing.  Deb pushed him to the side and for the rest of the walk up to the house John and Deb jostled, until they ended up racing up the small embankment to the backyard patio.

"Whatever!" Deb exclaimed breathlessly as she beat him up the hill.

» * »

Chuny flipped passed the few pages of hospital procedure to the hidden pool chart about Carter.  "Who's down for Abby?" she called.

Four or five hands of the hands belonging to nurses and orderlies raised their hands.

"Chen?" she called.

Three or four hands waved as they began their tasks for the day.  Suddenly Gallant and Lewis stopped by at the admin desk and grabbed a couple of charts.  Gallant stood there for a moment and then left for an exam room.

Chuny quickly flipped back to the hospital procedures on sterilization and pretended to be looking for something.  After a few minutes when it looked like Lewis was done with the chart, Chuny thought she might leave.  But then Chuny felt someone looking over her shoulder.  "Hospital _procedures?_  I can see why you've been staring at that book for _so long_!  It's so interesting!" Lewis said facetiously.

Chuny bit her lip.  "Uh, yeah!  _It is!_"

Susan laughed.  "Give it up.  So who's got dibs on Abby and who's rooting for Chen?"

Chuny was surprised to say the least.  She didn't know Lewis would actually get in on the pool.  Chuny flipped back to the pool chart.  "Wendy and some orderlies, but I've still got some sitting on the fence."

Susan smiled.  "Put me down for Chen."

"Really?" Chuny asked.  "I would have thought you would have gone with a sure thing with Abby."

Susan shook her head.  "No, Abby's got too much baggage right now.  Chen's got that friend thing going and she's exotic too!"

Chuny waved her pen at Lewis.  "Yeah, but if you look at the type of women Carter goes out with…" she clicked her tongue.

"Yeah, well that's _exactly_ why he should and will pick Deb…oh, I mean, _Jing Mei,_" Susan reasoned.  "I mean, he's gone out with so many that are 'his type' and it's gotten him nowhere.  I think he's smartening up and realizing, what he _wants_ isn't what he always _needs_!"

Chuny nodded her head.  "You could be _right,_" Chuny conceded.  "But I say he's still got that thing going on with Abby.  Besides, Chen doesn't look that interested in him."

"Looks can be deceiving Chuny," Lewis chided.  "_Looks can be deceiving._"

I'm not sure how I like this chapter….hey, R&R and let me know what you think?


	11. 11

Disclaimer:  All characters belong to NBC and the verses from 1 Cor. 13

If I Have Not Love

Part Eleven 

***********************************

_Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I_

_ am fully known._

***********************************

"Hey Abby!" Carter called.

Abby looked up at Carter who casually strolled behind the admin desk.  He looked happier these days, which made Abby a little unhappy.  She couldn't quite put her finger on it, but Abby was perplexed at the reason for her unhappiness.  "What's up?"

"I was wondering if you were doing anything tonight?"

Abby was somewhat stunned.  They hadn't seen each other for a week or so, other than a few casual exchanges.  "Uh, no.  Why?" she asked inquisitively.

"Well my Grams is having a dinner party and she told me to invite a couple of friends," he explained.

"I don't know Carter," Abby hesitated.  _Was this an_ _attempt at a date?_  "It's just…"

Mark walked up beside the pair.  "What are you guys lingering here for?  We've got patients," he quipped.

Abby looked at him queerly.  "You just sounded like Weaver Dr. Green.  Too eerie!"

"You don't say?" he laughed.  "Must be the meds."

Abby shook her head and turned back to Carter.  "Who's going to be there?"

John shrugged.  "Grams, me, a few of her stuffy business execs."

"No," Abby corrected.  "I mean, from the ER."

"Oh, uh, let's see.  Mark and Elizabeth couldn't make it because of Ella.  Susan's got this thing against going to ex-boyfriend's grandparent's dinner parties," Carter joked.

Abby was getting a little worried.  "So is it just me and you from the ER?"

John shook his head much to her relief.  "No.  Deb's gonna be there.  She wasn't going to, but Grams made a big deal about how stuffy everyone is and uninteresting the tabletop conversation would be and Deb gave in."

For some reason knowing Dr. Chen was going to be there, didn't make her feel any better.  "And that's it?"

"Well, I would invite Keri, but Deb wouldn't come if I did."

Abby shook her head.  "I guess I can come.  Yeah, sure."

It was a no win situation.  If she didn't go, John and Jing Mei could '_bond_' some more, which didn't sit well with her and if she did go, she'd have to endure dinner with both of them.  _A no win situation._

» * »

John stopped to adjust his tie in the foyer mirror as he walked to answer the door.  The butler was out for the night and the maids were helping in the kitchen.  As he opened the door John ran his hand down his brown suit jacket.

_"Deb!_" John greeted his best friend who stood on the doorstep.

"Hi John," she smiled.

"Come on in.  What are you waiting for?"

"Oh, my _date_," Deb informed.

John was going to inquire about whom it was, but then he found out as the large muscular Croatian man step up behind her.  "_Luka_?" he exclaimed in surprise.

» * »

Jing Mei entered into the house, past the stunned John.  "Yes John.  Luka.  Grams told me to bring someone with me and since Luka was free I invited him.  _Is that a problem?_" she whispered discreetly.

John scratched the back of his head and scrunched his face in consideration.  Then shaking his head nonchalantly.  "No.  Of course not."

Jing Mei didn't believe him.  She knew he didn't like Luka very much, if at all, but Jing Mei thought it would be impolite not to invite him since most of the ER staff Luka knew had been invited.  Besides, she needed a date.  Jing Mei didn't want to attend this thing with Abby there.  She knew John's attention would be distracted and Jing Mei needed a confidant.  And since Luka and Abby were on the 'outs' somewhat and he was an interesting date, Jing Mei felt that he was a good choice.  Especially since she knew he wouldn't try to put 'the moves' on her.

"Where is everyone?" Jing Mei asked.

John gestured with his hands to the empty room.  "This is it!" he replied.  "Other than the business associates my Grams invited.  Oh, and…" But before John could finish, Abby walked through the open door.

"Uh, hi guys!" Abby waved awkwardly.

"Hi!" Luka smiled.

Jing Mei rolled her eyes.  _Abby.  The only one who had to show up?  Boy this was going to be fun._

Dinner was made up of polite conversation and surface greetings.  Jing Mei grinned and bore it.  Luka sat on her right and so did Abby.  John sat at the end of the table with Abby to his left.

"So who _is_ this young man Jing Mei?" Grams asked inquisitively.

Jing Mei blushed.  "He's a colleague at County with me."

"Oh," Grams nodded.  "So there aren't just _women_ doctors at this hospital?"

Jing Mei stifled a laugh as Grams eyed John who rolled his eyes.

"Yes," Abby piped in.  "There are a lot of other _handsome_ doctors like Luka and _John!_"

Grams tilted her head and squinted at Abby. "I _do_ know that.  I have been at the hospital, um, what was your name again?" Grams asked hastily.

"Abby," she answered awkwardly.

"Abbie?" Grams repeated disdainfully.  "John, can't you pick girls with names that don't end with 'ie'.  First Susie, now Abbie?"

John cleared his throat as he looked apologetically at Abby.

Grams seemed to come back from the little tangent and motioned to her business guests.  "Sorry for the digression Bill," Grams apologized to her lawyer.  "I think we will retire to the sitting room John.  Perhaps you and your friends would like to go to the rec room.  I'm sure they haven't seen it."

Jing Mei rose from her seat to help Grams, but she should have known better.  The older woman pushed her helping hand away.  "Go, go!"

As they left, Jing Mei looked at the remaining guests.  Abby, John, and Luka.

_What had she gotten herself into?_

» * »

John led the trio into the rec room which housed a pool table, a ping pong table, and a few chairs and a couple of couches.  "Well _this_ is the rec room," John announced.

Abby and Luka mumbled words of excitement.  "Hey, anyone for pool?" Luka asked.

John and Deb looked back and shook their heads.  "No thanks," they said in unison.

Luka and Abby looked at them queerly as John looked at Deb and shared a laugh.

"So are you having fun yet?" John asked sarcastically.

Deb hit him in the stomach.  "John, how was I supposed to know it was going to be the infamous County love triangle?" Deb groaned.

"Well, you could have _asked_ me!" John retorted.

John couldn't believe Deb was with Luka.  First Abby now Deb.  John thought Deb was smarter than that.  Deb couldn't fall for someone so cocky or irritating.  He wouldn't let her.

"Do I have to run my dates by you now John?" Deb asked playfully.

"Maybe," he replied, feigning contemplation on the subject.  "Um, let's see.  You _do_ if you're gonna date _him_!"

John motioned to Luka.  Deb didn't laugh at his little joke.

"_Excuse me?_" she huffed.  "Since when did you become my keeper?  At least I'm with someone who can _make_ up their mind!"

John didn't like that implication.  "At least I know what I want and I go for it!" he exclaimed.

Deb folded her arms across her chest.  "I don't see anyone doing that, John.  I see someone pining over someone who isn't going to choose him.  At least I don't let guys play me the way Abby's playing you."

John shook his head.  "She's not _playing_ me," John denied. "If anything, it's Luka who's playing Abby and I'm just trying to make her see that."

John looked over at Abby and Luka who'd finally found the pool cues and were beginning a game of eight ball.

Deb remained silent and watched the game.

"Are you _jealous_?" John asked suggestively. "Is that why you're attacking Abby?  Because she's got me and Luka and you feel left out?"

John laughed at the thought, but was sobered when he saw the look of hurt on her face.

"In your dreams John Truman Carter.  _In your dreams_."  And with that, Deb walked over and whispered something in Luka's ear.  He looked like he would protest, but then put his arm around Deb's waist and led her out the door.

All John and Abby could do was watch in confusion.

» * »

Jing Mei fumed all the way home.  She apologized to Luka for her bad mood and thanked him for the ride and kissed him on the cheek.  When she entered her apartment, she found 2 messages waiting for her on her answering machine.  Both were from John.  He asked her why she had left and then apologized if he'd said something hurtful.  Jing Mei erased the messages and went to bed.

In the morning Jing Mei continued to think up nasty names for John.  She couldn't believe he said those things last night.  Jing Mei knew he was egotistical, but that thickheaded?  She shook her head and began to run the shower.

_Maybe a shower would make her feel better._

~~~

Jing Mei couldn't get the thought out of her mind.  She sat curled up on her couch with a hot cup of coffee.  _'Are you jealous?'_

The question ran through her head a couple of times.  Finally Jing Mei picked up a medical journal and began reading, hoping to take her mind off of John and the fact that maybe, _just_ _maybe, _she was…_jealous._

» * »

John had been distracted all day and at the end of his shift.  He'd left messages on Deb's machine.  He was sure of it, but Deb didn't return his calls.  John couldn't seem to focus as he was suturing a patient's hand.  "Ow!  Hey watch it man!" the old man threatened.

"Sorry," John replied, looking up briefly.

Finally when he'd finished, John made another call to Deb.  The line was busy.

_Damn it!_

John hadn't slept a wink last night.  After apologizing to Abby for ending the night so quickly, John phoned Deb a few times and left 2 messages.  He'd made a mess of something that even John didn't think he could mess up.  But John had.  And somehow he had to rectify it.

» * »

Jing Mei sat on a chair staring out her balcony window with her reading glasses positioned on the bridge of her nose.  She'd finally stopped thinking about him and was pondering whether she should see her parents that night or not.

_Knock knock._

"Just a minute!" Jing Mei called.

Jing Mei walked over to the changed door.  "Who is it?" she asked, peering through the peephole.

"John," a man's voice replied.

Jing Mei walked to the kitchen stool.  "Go away John," Jing Mei growled.

"Deb, come on.  I'm sorry!"  John apologized through the door.

"I heard you, now leave."

Jing Mei heard a light thumb on the door.  "Deb, I'm _so_ sorry.  It slipped out.  I didn't mean it."

Jing Mei walked to the door again.  "What didn't you mean?  The part about being jealous or feeling sorry for myself because I was feeling _left_ out?" she accused.

She didn't know what to feel anymore.  Part of her wanted to forgive him and let him in, but part of her still stung from the comments.  And then there was the part of her that nagged her in the back of her head.  _He's right you know._

"Both!" John pleaded.  "Let me in Deb."

Jing Mei opened the door as far as the chain lock would allow.  "I don't want to talk to you John.  Go away." And she closed the door shut in his face.

» * »

John stood there stunned.  He couldn't believe how mad she was.  John kept at Deb, apologizing and asking her to let him in for the next 20 minutes.  Finally he was ready to give up.  "Fine Deb," he called.  "I'm leaving."

As John turned to leave, the door opened.  "I'm sorry…I'm sorry too," Jing Mei called.

John turned to see an unhappy Deb.  He walked over and hugged her.  "I'm sorry I hurt you.  I didn't mean it Deb.  And I know you didn't mean those things about Abby and me."

» * »

Jing Mei pulled away from John.  "But I _did_ John."

John looked confused.  "What do you mean?"

Jing Mei had done a lot of thinking over the entire day and then in between John's apologies and explanations, she'd realized why she was so angry.  _The words_ _had hit home._  They were partly true.

She did envy Abby for having Luka and John.  Jing Mei was jealous.  _Why?_ She didn't quite know.  Jing Mei was intelligent, some say beautiful, but she'd never quite felt that way about herself and now John was pointing out a fear that had always lingered.  _No one would want her._

She wouldn't be good enough, pretty enough, and smart enough.  And lately those things proved to be true, and now the final blow.  Two incredible men wouldn't want her the way they wanted Abby.  Or one in particular.

"John, I _was_ jealous."   Jing Mei was tired of pretending.  Tired of hiding from her 'best friend'.  He didn't know her.  John didn't really _know_ what she was feeling.  _She_ hadn't known until last night.

Watching John defend Abby after all she had put him through had made Jing Mei furious and she'd lashed out.  As Jing Mei looked back on that time, she could recall fully, what thought clearly passed through her mind at that time.  _Care about me like that.  Love me like that.  Because…I love you._

"John, I was jealous that Abby had you wrapped around her finger," Jing Mei finally admitted.

John protested, "She _doesn't_."

Jing Mei nodded.  "Yes she does.  Be honest John.  I am being honest with you.  No more pretending Abby's affect on you doesn't bother me.  _No more pretending._"

» * »

John was at a loss for words.  The way he thought Deb always felt about him was wrong.  In the past weeks, John had had stirrings of emotions that he'd never dealt with before.  She was his best friend, not anything more?

John had been attracted to Abby.  Wasn't she the one he wanted to be with?  Should be with?  John wanted Abby, but last night John realized he _needed_ Deb.

Deb was his rock.  She was dependable, but not like a dog was dependable.  Deb was caring and loving.  John loved her, but he'd never thought it was the kind of love that he wanted from a _woman_.  John had never thought of her that way.  It was that kind of platonic love.  He wanted passion.

But lately, John had realized, maybe that his mistake, looking for passion.  John always had equated passion for love, but this year he'd learned a lot about love and caring and needing and wanting someone.  He'd wanted Abby, but John didn't really need her.

All the time he'd spent with Deb, John couldn't imagine not spending his time with her.  John had always gone after what he wanted, but never realizing that maybe, it wasn't what he needed and that was the reason it never lasted.  And maybe, this time, finally, he had found what he was looking for all along.  Except this time, he loved the woman.  

John loved what he was after and it scared him to death.  He hadn't wanted to face the reality of what made a relationship work.  And this relationship worked.  Did love really work any differently than a relationship?  Any kind of relationship?  

Deb had slowly become the woman in his life these past few weeks.  They could do anything, watch a movie, go have dinner, take walks in the park, talk.  He'd always wanted those things with Abby, John had imagined doing those things with Abby.  But now, he couldn't imagine doing those things with anyone else.  And when Deb came to the dinner with Luka, he'd felt jealous.  Jealous that Deb would call it a date.  John was jealous that she would bring anyone over to his house other than herself.  And John had lashed out.

"John?" Deb called to the enlightened man.

"Hmm?"

Deb looked him in the eye and swallowed hard.  "What are you thinking John?"

As John felt her hand resting on his arm he took a deep breath and ran his hand through his hair.  "Do you really want to know?" he asked.

Deb nodded.

John sat her down on her couch and was about to let her know everythingthat was in his heart right at that moment.


	12. 12

Disclaimer:  All characters belong to NBC and the verses from 1 Cor. 13

If I Have Not Love

Part Twelve 

***********************************

_And now these remain: faith, hope, and love._

***********************************

"Deb, look, I…" John searched for the words, but his mind was a blank.  He didn't know how to tell her.  "You mean a lot to me.

John closed his eyes at the _safe words.  Deb nodded at him and sat down on the couch, curling her feet up under her, hugging her knees to her chest.  John followed suit and sat down on the familiar couch.  "You're my best friend and you've been with me through a lot," John explained, slowly choosing his words._

"That isn't the problem John.  We both know we care about each other and that we're best friends.  That isn't new," Deb lamented.  "This is about me being upset with Abby and how that relates to my feelings for you.  And your feelings for me."

John was taken aback at her assessment of their relationship.  She seemed to distance herself from him.  It was like she was scared to say it out loud.  "It's not about Abby, not anymore," he informed her.

John had been attracted to Abby, and now after spending more and more time with Deb, his thoughts drifted less and less to Abby.

"What are you talking about?" Deb asked.  "You've been pining away for her for months."

John heard the touch of resentment that echoed in her words.  He nodded.  "I can't argue about that.  You know me too well for me to lie to you, but I'm telling you the truth when I say that I'm over her."

Deb lowered her legs and sat cross-legged on the couch.  "Why?" she asked curiously.

"_I think I'm falling in love with someone else," John admitted finally._

» * »

Jing Mei studied John's face as he said those words.  Her heart skipped a beat when he'd mentioned someone else.  Jing Mei couldn't imagine who it could be. _ Susan?  Another ER doctor?  Someone he met through some fundraiser?  The possibilities seemed endless and her __hope of being with him…_

The thought made her stomach flip.  _She had hoped to be with him.  Somewhere down the line, Jing Mei had been waiting for John to notice her.  Jing Mei swallowed hard.  __Now it was over?  She shook her head.  It was probably another fantasy girl.  Jing Mei smiled at the tense John who was staring at her.  "Great!" she lied.  "Is she another one of your older blonde doctor types?"  Jing Mei knew the joke fell flat as John shook his head._

"No.  She's not my '_type'.  That's what makes her so special," John said seriously._

Jing Mei's stomach lurched as she searched for some possibility that he was making this all up.  "Oh," Jing Mei replied distractedly.  "Where did you meet her?"

John seemed to look at her funny and then quickly answered her question.  "She's a doctor at the ER."

Jing Mei had this sinking feeling in her stomach.  '_He was not joking.'_

Jing Mei had never seen John look so serious or intense about anyone he was dating.  She saw her hope slipping away with every word.  "She's very special to you…isn't she?"

John nodded and grinned.  Jing Mei had never seen this look of complete happiness, contentment, and peace over one woman. "Yeah, she's perfect for me.  Too bad it's taken me so long to realize it."

_'Why couldn't you realize it with me?' Jing Mei's heart ached._

"Well, what's she like?" Jing Mei smiled half-heartedly.

Jing Mei didn't really want to know, but what kind of a friend would she be if she didn't ask?

"We've known each other for a long time," John said carefully.

"Really?  An old girlfriend?" Jing Mei suggested, getting up from the couch and walking over to the kitchen counter.  "Hot chocolate?"

John nodded and also got up from the couch.  He walked over to where she was and leaned on the counter that separated them. "No, just a friend.  She's smart and funny.  She doesn't let me get away with _anything," John laughed.  "We can talk for hours and not even notice a whole day passing by."_

Jing Mei listened to the description of the girl.  She'd thought that she'd been the only one who did those things with him.  _How presumptious of her._

"Well, what does she look like?  Maybe I know her," Jing Mei asked as she filled the kettle with water and turned on the burner.

"Brunette.  My age, about your height."

Jing Mei brought out two mugs and leaned on the counter, her arms holding her up.  "Wow!  That really sounds great.  You've found the perfect girl.  I guess you've figured out that love thing now, huh?  I was right about you finding love in people you're not looking for.  Maybe it's because of the hair?" Jing Mei joked.

She had a hard time not choking out the words.

"Yeah, I guess I did," John smiled.  "Deb are you all right?"

"Oh," Jing Mei exclaimed snapping out of her own thoughts.  "I'm great.  Stunned, but happy for you.  I mean, you didn't even mention that there was a possibility of someone in your life, someone so close to you.  Guess I don't know you as well as I thought.  I mean, if I can't even figure out that you're in love with someone else?"

Jing Mei looked at John.  He shook his head at her.  "That's not true Deb," John laughed.

She had this gut feeling that there would be no silly infatuation with this woman.  John had finally found his match.  And the thought of it just broke her heart.

» * »

John had chickened out of telling Deb directly.  He'd hoped that she would realize he was talking about her, but no such luck.  Instead, John watched an array of emotions go through his best friend.  She seemed stunned, then denial, acceptance, and then sorrow.  He hated himself for making her go through all of these emotions.

"Deb, you are my best friend.  This thing came up unexpectedly.  Wait," John put up his finger looking down at his pager.  "Listen, my pager is going," John informed.  "If you really want to meet her, come to dinner at Grams' again.  Tomorrow night?"

John could see Deb try to come up with an excuse not to come, but John wouldn't allow it.  "Tomorrow at 7, okay?  And this time I won't be late," John grinned as he gave Deb a hug and a kiss.

"All…all right.  I guess," Deb agreed somewhat reluctantly.  "I mean, I have to check if I work that shift, but if I don't I will be sure to come." 

"I'll make sure you've got that shift off," John called, walking out the door.

As soon as the he closed the apartment door, John sighed in relief.  He hated just leaving things like that, but what else could he do? John began his trek back to the hospital.

Inviting Deb over for dinner had been a spur of the moment thing.  In the end, it was probably best.  John could use the time to figure out how he would tell her that she was _the one for him._

'_Boy would she be surprised,' John thought._

» * »

Jing Mei began to panic.  _How would she get herself out of it?  She didn't want to meet this __perfect woman.  Jing Mei turned off the burner and walked to her bedroom.  __How did her life get so messed up?_

Jing Mei slumped onto her bed.  "This is what you get when falling for John Carter," she stated out loud.

She shook her head and told herself to get over it.  '_In one night, you've discovered that you're in love with John and that he's falling in love with another woman,' Jing Mei thought to herself._

Jing Mei got up off the bed and walked to the bathroom.  As she stared at herself in the mirror, Jing Mei shook her head.  "And this is the reason you've never analyzed yourself," Jing Mei stated, pointing at her reflection.  "You wouldn't discover these revelations of the heart."

As the thoughts of the day ran over and over in her head, Jing Mei could do nothing but scream.  "Ahhhh!  How could you be so stupid?" she asked herself.

Finally when Jing Mei had gotten a hold over her feelings once more, she looked at herself in the mirror.  "It's going to be fine.  You aren't madly in love with him.  You've just realized you had _feelings for him.  It's not too late.  Just suck it up and go to the dinner," Jing Mei lectured to herself._

Jing Mei slumped her shoulders and walked out into the living room.  _Who was she kidding?_


	13. 13

Disclaimer:  All characters belong to NBC and the verses from 1 Cor. 13

If I Have Not Love

Part Thirteen 

***********************************

_ But the greatest of these is love. _

***********************************

Jing Mei had an early shift that day.  She came in at 4 a.m. to relieve Keri.  Jing Mei hadn't slept very well that night.  She kept tossing and turning, playing possible scenarios, or should she say disasters that might happen.  At this point, she was ready to call the whole thing off.  It was too short notice and all.

"Hey Dr. Chen?" Chuny called as she attended to a woman sitting on a gurney in the hallway.

"Yeah?" Jing Mei answered distractedly.

"So I heard that dinner was a disaster!" Chuny inquired nonchalantly.

"Uh," Jing Mei hesitated.  She'd completely forgotten that the rumor mill would have a field day out of the horrible dinner.

"Hey I heard that too!" a tired, but curious Susan joined the fray.  "In fact, I heard that someone walked out?"

Jing Mei kept her eyes on the patient's chart that she'd just released.  "Um, I've got a patient, excuse me!" Jing Mei lied.

As Jing Mei walked down the hallway she shook her head.  _Like she didn't have other things on her mind!_

John had the day off, which was great since he was preparing this supper last minute and all.  He'd gotten the menu all planned out.  The servants were cleaning the dining room and setting up a close intimate dinner for two.

Grams had been informed of the plans early at breakfast.  John held his breath for the lecture of dating Deb after explaining why he was doing all of this.  "And so I told her there was this someone, which _was_ Deb, but I didn't quite get that out.  And so now she's coming over here tonight expecting to meet the girl I'm falling for…you could care less, right?" John sighed, leaning on the kitchen counter.

"Don't make assumptions John," Grams chided. "I happen to think _Jing Mei_ is a lovely girl…"

"_But_?" John groaned. "Just say it.  I know there's a but in there somewhere."

Grams pursed her lips at him.  "Now don't get smart with me _young man_.  I wasn't the one who lied to a woman he likes and is now going to spring on her this eye-opening tale of love.  Did I raise you to leave a woman in such a state?  You don't tell a girl you're in love with that you're in love with someone else."

John ran his hand through his disheveled hair.  "I got paged Grams.  What else was I supposed to do?  Besides isn't this a better way?  Anyway, I don't even know if she feels the same way.  Deb was practically ready to throw me a party with this girl."

Grams shook her head at the bewildered John.  "My _dear boy_," she clucked, looking over at one of the maids.  "Do you know anything about women?"

John rolled his eyes at the smiles the older woman and her employee exchanged.  "Of course I do!" he protested.

"Obviously not," Grams stated.  "Or you would have guessed that she's already in love with you.  And if you had any ounce of wisdom or intelligence, _you_ would have realized how inappropriate it is to spring this idea of loving her right after telling her you're in love with someone else," Gram's sighed.

John's head was reeling.  _Deb was in love with him?_  The thought sent a chill down his spine.

"John, are you listening to me?" Grams snapped at him, trying to get his attention.

"Huh?" John replied.

"I said you'd better know what to say when she gets here and finds out that you lied to her," Grams warned.

John shook his head.  "You don't know Deb.  Grams, she's going to laugh," John argued.

Grams shook her head again.  "If you think that's what is going to happen, you're gonna need a lot more than a romantic dinner to dig you out of this one, John Truman Carter," Grams declared, as she shuffled out of the kitchen with her cane.

John took another bite of his cold cereal.  _Of course Deb will laugh.  Why wouldn't she?_

Chuny had been picking up tidbits here and there around the hospital.  It wasn't till Abby told the entire story, that Chuny find out Dr. Chen and Carter had a fight.

"Yeah, Luka took me home," Abby explained.

"Oh!" Chuny pondered as she made a mental note, walking away from the admin desk.

***

Throughout the morning and most of the afternoon Dr. Chen had been quite aloof and distracted.  She'd made careful detours away from Dr. Lewis and the rest of the gossiping nurses.  It made Chuny smile.  _This was definitely a development in the Carter and Chen rumors._

"I _told_ you," Susan smirked as she filed away another patient chart and wiped the name off the board.  "Something's definitely up with Carter and Chen."

Chuny rolled her eyes.  _She just hated that she was out twenty bucks._

Jing Mei tried very hard to concentrate on her patients and not the whispers along the hallway corridors.  Not to mention that her thoughts were becoming increasingly focused on the dinner.  _Maybe she could bring a date?  John shouldn't mind since he would be focused on his girlfriend anyway.  Besides, it would help her look less depressed and disappointed as she was feeling at this time._

Jing Mei would ask when she got the chance.

***

" Jing Mei!" Susan chirped.  "I finally found you!"

Jing Mei wanted to curl up in a ball as she looked up from her patient charts and smiled.  "Oh, Dr. Lewis.  Is there a trauma or something?" she asked concerned.

Susan shook her head.

_Of course not!_

"I just wanted to know if you're okay?" Susan asked.

Jing Mei sighed.  "I'm fine," she replied, returning to her charts.  "Just busy catching up on paper work."

Susan moved closer to her.  "I'm sure I'm the last person you want to talk to about t6his, but I'm here if you need an ear," Susan offered.

"Doing some _fishing_?" Jing Mei closed her mouth quickly.  _She hadn't just said that out loud, had she?_

Susan seemed taken aback, but then shrugged.  "Look, I know there's a lot of talk going around, but you shouldn't let it get to you like this.  I came here as a friend.  I mean you're really subdued and no one sees you around the ER except when a trauma comes in and suddenly you _appear_ out of nowhere.  It's kind of getting _eerie._"

Jing Mei studied the creeped out Susan, and all of the sudden laughed.  It felt good.  Jing Mei rubbed her forehead and sighed.  "I'm sorry," she apologized.  "I've got a lot on my mind right now."

Susan nodded.  "Okay.  I'll go then," Susan replied, heading for the door.

"Wait!" Jing Mei called.

Susan turned and looked at Jing Mei.  "Yeah?"

"Do you know of a doctor here that John's been hanging out with?" Jing Mei asked curiously.

"No, why?" Susan asked, being drawn back into the trauma room.

"Well, he invited me over to meet this girl who apparently works here at the ER.  _He says he likes her_," Jing Mei grimaced unwittingly.

Susan smirked.  "Oh really?  The only doc he hangs out with other than the regulars is you.  What does she look like?"

"Brunette, my age and about my height.  I've tried to think of a doctor that fits that description, but I can't seem to place any of the ones I think of with him.  I mean, he didn't tell me her name or anything."

Suddenly a knowing look passed across Susan's face.  Jing Mei frowned.  "Do you know who it is?" Jing Mei exclaimed.

"I _think_ I know who it is, but I don't want to say anything just in case it isn't her," Susan smiled.

Jing Mei pouted.  "I guess," Jing Mei sighed.

"Don't worry, if it's who I think it is, you'll _love _her!" Susan exclaimed walking out of the room.

Last chapter coming…..


	14. 14

Disclaimer:  All characters belong to NBC and the verses from 1 Cor. 13

If I Have Not Love

**Chapter Fourteen**

***********************************

_1__If I speak in the tongues[1] of men and of angels,_

_ but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a _

_clanging cymbal._

_ 2If I have the gift of prophecy_

_ and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge,_

_ and if I have a faith that can move mountains,_

_ but have not love, I am nothing._

_ 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,_

_[2]__ but have not love, I gain nothing. __  
4Love is patient, love is kind. _

_It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud._

_ 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,_

_ it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs._

_ 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth._

_ 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. __  
8Love never fails._

_ But where there are prophecies, they will cease;_

_ where there are tongues, they will be stilled;_

_ where there is knowledge, it will pass away._

_ 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part,_

_ 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. _

_11__When I was a child, I talked like a child,_

_ I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child._

_ When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. _

_12__Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror;_

_ then we shall see face to face._

_ Now I know in part; then I shall know fully,_

_ even as I am fully known. __  
13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love_

_But the greatest of these is love._

***********************************

Susan went into the staff lounge to catch a cup of coffee before the next rush of patients should fill the ER. A few nurses and orderlies were mingling, some catching a couple winks of sleep on their break, others catching up on gossip.

"And then Dr. Kovac told Abby that she was doing great, even though, you know, she made that mistake. Man, he's got it bad for her!" Lily informed.

"Hey guys, catching up on the latest gossip?" Susan asked, pouring herself a cup of coffee.

"Hey Dr. Lewis," Malik greeted. "Yeah, but not lots happening around here. Boring stuff you know? Not the juicy stuff."

Susan debated whether to mention the conversation she'd just had with Dr. Chen a few hours ago. _Ah, what the heck?_

"Well, I heard that Dr. Chen is going to Carter's for dinner again!" Susan piped in.

Wide eyes filled the lounge and a couple of greedy faces. "What's up with them?" Lily asked.

Susan sat down on one of the open chairs around the table. "You'll never guess what's happening tonight. I think we've got a _definite_ winner for the Carter pool!" she laughed.

» * »

"Hi John?" Jing Mei asked, curling the phone cord around he4r index finger.

"Hey Deb!" John exclaimed. "What's up?"

"I was thinking," she said hesitantly, "maybe I should bring a date or something?"

Jing Mei had gotten home a few minutes ago and decided she would ask about the date. She definitely didn't think she could handle the night without some support.

"No!" John stated somewhat firmly.

"What?" Jing Mei asked. "Why not?"

"Uh," John stalled, "because I told her there would only be us two."

Jing Mei felt her heart sink. "But John, I feel awkward being the only one to meet her," she admitted honestly.

"I promise it won't be," John reassured. "Please. I just want you…"

Jing Mei's heart beat faster as he said those words.

"I want you to be here," John finished.

Jing Mei sighed. "Fine. No date. I'll be there in about an hour," she replied, then hanging up the phone.

_Now she just had to figure out what to wear._

» * » 

John had dodged a bullet when Deb asked to bring a date, though, not very well. He rubbed the back of his neck.

His gaze ran across the dining room. Everything was set. Now he just had to get dressed.

~~~

When the doorbell rang, John's heart began to race. He stopped to fix his tie in the foyer mirror. John took a deep breath and smiled.

As the door opened, John hadn't expected this vision, which stood before him. Deb was beautiful. She wore a light chiffon dress that silhouetted her body as the evening breeze caressed her. The dress was a pale pink with a neckline that scooped slightly. A dark rose-colored ribbon criss-crossed around her waist and the hem of the skirt rested slightly above her knees. A shawl hung around her shoulders. Her ebony hair was swept up in a twist, with soft tendrils outlining her tan face.

_Deb was a vision of beauty._

» * » 

Jing Mei felt self-conscious with the gapping John standing before her. Looking at his black suit and satin tie, Jing Mei was relieved she chose to dress up rather than down. It hadn't occurred to her that she might ask John what type of dress she would need. But Jing Mei decided the semi-formal summer dress would work either way.

_And he looked amazing_.

» * » 

"Come in Deb," John said, quickly coming to his senses.

Deb nodded and entered the foyer. John took her shawl and handed it to Bentley the butler, who had just entered the room, only to leave again. "You look beautiful," he sputtered.

Deb smiled at the compliment and peered around him. "Is she here yet?"

John swallowed. _Here we go._ "Uh, why don't we go into the dining room and I'll explain," John said.

_Please let this work._

» * » 

Jing Mei was confused as she headed towards the closed dining room. _What was going on?_

» * » 

John stepped in front of Deb and pushed open the doors, allowing Deb to view the dimly lit room.

» * » 

Jing Mei's heart was racing as she entered the room. From the ceiling, there was a canopy of small white Christmas lights lighting the otherwise dark room. In the center of the room was a candle-lit table set for two.

"John, what is this?" Jing Mei grasped, resting her left hand on her throat.

John stepped in front of her and met her searching gaze. "You're the girl," he stated.

Jing Mei tilted her head as her mind tried to grapple with his words and the room. She swallowed hard. "Excuse me?"

"You're the woman I'm falling for Deb," John exclaimed taking both of her hands in his.

Jing Mei pulled away from John. "_I'm _the woman you were describing last night? I'm the one you're falling in love with?" Jing Mei stuttered, as the words seemed foreign to her.

» * » 

John nodded, his face searching earnestly for some sign of recognition or understanding. He had never felt so scared or vulnerable.

"Deb, yes. You're the one I'm falling in love with," John confessed.

As he studied her confused face, John knew that Gamma had been right. Deb wasn't taking this surprise as well as he'd hoped.

"So you _lied_ about the girl?" Deb asked.

"Uh," John paused, carefully sorting out his words. "No? Well, uh, yes. _Sort of_?"

Deb backed up into the foyer, turning from the speechless John. "What do you mean, _sort of_?"

John followed her into the foyer. "I was going to tell you, but I ended up saying that I was falling for someone and it ended up turning into a third person, instead of me saying your name," John took a breath. "I was describing you. I just couldn't get your name out and then my pager went off."

_'This is definitely not how it was supposed to go,' John thought as he looked towards the dining room._

» * » 

Jing Mei was filled with so many emotions that she didn't know which one she should be feeling first. "I can't believe you let me believe that you were falling in love with _someone else_!" Jing Mei exclaimed.

_Obviously anger won out_.

She watched as John tried to lamely explain the situation. "But I was _going_ to tell you," John pouted. "But when I got paged I thought I could tell you tonight."

Jing Mei looked at him incredulously. "John do you _know_ how sick about this dinner I was?" she asked.

John smiled suddenly, for a brief second. "You didn't want to meet her?" he asked. "You mean, you were _jealous_ about this girl?"

Jing Mei bit her lip. "_That's_ not the point. You lied to me!" she cried, trying to divert attention from the question.

John shook his head. "_Not_ really. I f you think about it. I told you the truth, I just left out that the person was _you_," John admitted sheepishly.

Jing Mei rubbed her forehead. "John, you deliberately…" Jing Mei began again. "John, I thought…" She didn't know what to say without telling him right out that she was in love with him.

"I'm sorry," John apologized. "I didn't mean to hurt you."

As John grasped her hands, Jing Mei realized she was trembling. "I thought I was going to lose you John," she whispered, resting her head on his chest.

» * » 

When John wrapped his arms around her, he'd never felt happier. "I'm sorry. I just didn't know how you felt."

Deb looked up at him with tears in her eyes. "I've always believed, had hoped that you might see me, and that night I felt like you had and then _this_ was like a punch in the stomach. I had faith that as long as you dated those _same kinds of women_, there was a chance for you and me. We were different John."

John wiped the tears from her eyes. "You were right Deb. You were right," he whispered softly. "I realized what I needed most…was you."

Deb lowered her head from his intense gaze. However, John tipped her chin up until her eyes met his again. Then lowering his lips to hers, which were wet and salty from her tears, John kissed her lightly and softly.

Jing Mei wrapped her arms around his neck as the kiss deepened. "John I love you," she whispered as their lips parted.

Searching his face for some sign of disagreement, Jing Mei only found mutual feelings. "I love _you_, Deb," John whispered as his arms wrapped around her waist.

Jing Mei's heart felt like it was going to burst. "So what now _Carter_?" Jing Mei teased affectionately.

John smiled at her. "How about dinner?" he suggested, turning her around in his arms towards the candle-lit table.

Jing Mei nodded. "That would be lovely."

» * » 

News or gossip, whichever you prefer to call it, spread around the ER about Dr. Chen and Dr. Carter's budding romance. Jing Mei still tried to keep it as private as possible, while John would steal kisses in front of staff members, all the while smirking at Deb.

Chuny and the rest of the Abby fans and betters paid the joyous Jing Mei poolers. Susan got her 50 bucks and the knowledge that she _again_ was right.

Everything was as it should be at the ER. The oblivious doctors had finally realized what the Susan had known all along. They belonged together. **_For what did they have if not love?_**

_The End_


End file.
